


A Series of Starts and Stops

by black_hat_with_bells



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-20
Updated: 2013-07-20
Packaged: 2017-12-20 20:43:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/891650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/black_hat_with_bells/pseuds/black_hat_with_bells
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nothing fuels writing like justified rage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Series of Starts and Stops

**Author's Note:**

> written for girljustdied/stainofmylove
> 
> and beta'd by superkappa, who I still owe a debt of gratitude to the help. :)

Sitting at the desk by the window, the hot sun streaming through the glass, Dan had an observation: nothing fueled writing like justified rage. 

In the beginning, even though it wasn’t requited or even recognized on his behalf, he did think his attraction and admiration and genuine friendship and…

Needless to say, he thought this book would be better than his first one. He was sure of it. Only as he wrote this one, he thought it lacked his usual detached voice. During the scenes before with the main girl of his story, he was detached: he could step back and watch it like a play in his head. 

Now, he was too close. He felt that but he didn’t know exactly how to fix it. 

He kept writing but by mid-morning he was only a few pages done on his new chapter. He heard the knock on the door but there was only one knock and she was already inside his room by the time he looked up. 

He didn’t really mind. Georgina Sparks had done so much damage in the past, what with the story that he was the father of her child. Always a good wake-up call to life. But maybe that was why he was here with her. 

He knew who she was and that was who he needed. He didn’t want someone to worry about or impress. Not now. 

She seemed to know and didn’t seem to care herself. 

“You stayed up all night, didn’t you?” she asked. “I would ask you to breakfast but obviously you now look like a hobo. That’s wrong even in Italy.”

Dan wasn’t ready for breakfast with anyone. Okay that sounded dramatic in his head but it was the truth. 

“I had to keep going, I had a flash of inspiration from your last story.” 

Her stories made him all the more positive that this was deserved retribution. It wasn’t all about scorn but about truth. The ways that these people have destroyed others in their pursuit of millions—this book had the power to really change that, in a place where their wealth had no influence. He had that power. 

He had to use it. 

Georgina leaned over his shoulder and before he could stop her, she put her hand on his and forced him to scroll down the page. 

“So this is you on fire,” Georgina said, nodding. “I hate to see what will happen when you reach the stunning climax.”

“Haha,” he said, un-deterred. “There won’t be much of a climax. If you discount all the real consequences that people will finally face. Do you think that will be enough?” 

Georgina looked at him for a moment. “I like seeing this side of you.”

He ignored that comment. 

“Did you ever bring this Dan out to play with Blair? It might have made a difference.”

“Look,” he said, angry. While he was distracted, turned in his seat to tell her off, she grabbed the printed out version. “That is not edited,” he said instead. 

Georgina stretched out on his bed and began to read, having chosen to dress in tights today with a long shirt just barely covering her. He was sure there was a fashion-code word for it but it looked like tights to him and she was giving him a view of her legs.   
He didn’t quite care enough to look away but he did, anyway. He wasn’t sure of much right now but he didn’t want to be in another relationship. This whole trip, to Italy, he had hoped that giving the tickets to another girl and changing places would leave the pain back home. And it was pain. He hated to give it a word even as a writer.

It felt like the reason Blair would chose Chuck instead of him. Chuck who only showed pain by dishing it out to others. Dan thought if that was the way it would be, he could do that too. 

Only he did truly feel as if he was a walking punching bag just one punch away from bursting at the seams. 

Georgina hummed out-loud and he turned his attention desperately back to her. 

“So what do you think?” he prompted. 

“I haven’t gotten that far into thinking about it. It’s a little heavy.”

“I know it sounds-.”

“Whiny,” Georgina supplied. Dan stopped right there. 

“What?” was his clever reply. 

“It’s whiny,” Georgina said bluntly. “Listen we want people to sympathize with you, not want to kill you to shut you up.”

“Okay,” was his next clever reply. He ran a hand through his hair. 

“It’s almost like Heathcliff on acid.”

“No,” he said. Definitely. “The narrative voice does not sound like that. Does it?”

“I only read the Cliff notes version on that one but--,” Georgina said. “I read your other book, you know.”

“Oh good,” he said. 

“It was,” she said. “I mean, not great literature but it was impossible not to be sympathetic when I read how whipped you were.”

Oh good. 

She stood up. “Let me demonstrate,” she said. She sat down and began to type quickly. Dan didn’t know how much of a writer she was but she had one clip of a typing speed.   
He was the one to lean over her shoulder this time. He read what she had written and before he could check himself, he started to delete. 

“What’s wrong? Too much telling, not enough showing?” Georgina commented. 

“I just don’t think that’s necessary.” 

“Well then you get my criticism,” Georgina said. “Show. Don’t tell.” 

Dan wondered how much Georgina really knew about the writing process. 

“You have a point,” he said. 

“Of course I do,” she said. “Now I’m going to have to get you out of this room. It’s Italy, Humphrey.” 

He tensed at that use of his last name. 

“It’s just Dan,” he said. She didn’t say anything, just sat in his chair. A half smile on her face. 

“All right, just Dan,” she said. “Let’s go actually tour the city.” 

He felt like shit and probably looked like shit too. To be blunt. But he thought if he stayed in this richly decorated room one minute longer and let himself think about it all, he wouldn’t go out at all. 

So he let her drag him out and let her do the talking. 

*** 

Dan always thought there was a quota of ugliness you could reveal when you were with a person. 

Friends or otherwise, even ‘enemies’ to use the UES lingo. There was a certain limit where you could not turn back. Or so he had thought. 

For weeks, in this sunny place, Georgina has been telling him stories. Truths. He listened to her one night for three hours, him lying on the couch, her sitting with her legs halfway out the balcony, the night air pooling into the room—not needing to take notes, it wasn’t as if he’d forget what she had said. Dan noticed something key. 

He was aware of Georgina’s manipulative history, and he knew this was all for mutual benefit. But as she talked, he listened and he realized how sharp her memory was. It was a vivid recall, a rolodex of wrongs and the very worst of people. He thought now that she felt just as bad as he did and trust him when he said, he felt like he’d never fell like himself again. 

He thought her past was because of knowing too much, of taking too much in, and sometimes pushing it out into someone else seemed to be the only recourse. He remembered Serena’s face, he remembered how quickly he fell into her arms, feeling as he did. He remembered.   
He would never tell Georgina this because it was not what she wanted to hear. He listened as she talked, sometimes lying beside him, her leg against his. He focused on her words and thought about his book. About how he had to finish it. 

Maybe something in him would feel better, repaired, if he could just put it out there and let the world see them. He wasn’t the victim here. But lucky for him, she wasn’t so much about the talking during the weekends. 

“You are so depressed,” Georgina whispered as they waited in line to get into the club. Georgina was fluent in Italian, and he was often left in the dark of what she was saying. She taught him a few words—most of them unusable—but he wasn’t interested in anything else. He was in one of the most culturally-rich places in the world and he barely saw it, barely paid attention in his writing seminars. 

“At least you didn’t say depressing,” he offered. 

“I wouldn’t,” she said, putting her arm through his. “I have a personal mission to bring you back from the dead.” 

“Good luck with that,” he said but for the first time, he felt guilty. “But I just need more time. Once I get over the arbitrary nature of it-.”

“Over her, you mean.”

He steered the conversation away. He had told Georgina a lot, sure, she would know anyway—all of them did. But he couldn’t tell her about the filming of sex incident or even that Blair did not reply to a single one of his texts and emails. Nor would he say that he sent a thousand emails, a ship of a thousand words into the night. 

“I mean over that place,” he said. “And couldn’t we actually go to a club back home?”

“Did you do this back home, Dan?” she asked, knowingly. 

“All right, no,” he said, and she had won just like that. He didn’t mind. Inside the club was an amazing myriad of images he probably would never forget. He watched this one girl dancing on stage and he looked at Georgina who was freely watching the show. 

“I need a drink first to look at this,” she offered and he didn’t know what to say to that either. He let her order and judging by how much alcohol was in this one sip …it was a good idea. This wasn’t what he would do back home. 

“Just the remedy for the lovesick,” she said. “Among other things.” 

This wasn’t what he wanted to think about. Unless he would just get it over with. He didn't want to get it over with. 

“I have a question. What kind of romance would you prefer?” he asked to be completely insufferable. “Safe or consuming? That’s what Serena told me this was all about.”

“Neither,” Georgina answered. 

“Oh come on,” Dan said. “It’s a theoretical question.”

“I’ve seen it all, in books and in real life,” Georgina said. “All I can say is I would never let anyone do that to me. Neither one—the trapped confines of squeeze-the-life-out-of-you safety or the old parachute into a volcano for love story. They’re both bullshit. Don’t you know that, writer?”

And she was absolutely serious about it. 

“Squeeze the life out of you?” he asked. Huh. He wondered sincerely for a moment if Blair had seen his attentions and emails and care that way. Then he dismissed it. Stomped that thought down. 

Instead here’s a thought: maybe she was right. One person had held a string that made him work, so to speak, and he didn’t know when or how it happened himself. Then they pulled it and all of him fell down. 

How did he let that happen? How did it even happen on such an immense level? 

Georgina shrugged after a while of silence and took a drink again, knocking it back hard. He took a few back himself. So he had an excuse for his next question, his worries disappearing and his overthinking mind turning off. 

“Did I ever hurt you before when I knew you?” he asked. “I mean, did I hurt your feelings?”

She seemed to almost turn too quickly before she smiled sharply at him. That did remind him of Blair. 

“Oh Dan. Who could you ever hurt back then? You didn’t know how, back then,” she stressed. 

That didn’t answer his question. Nor was it correct. 

“Come on, let’s dance,” she said. He was probably a horrible dancer but it was so crowded that he was trapped up against her and he started to let go. 

“You do realize we could role-play,” she whispered into his ear, over the music. “I could be her, you could tell me whatever you want to get off your chest.” 

He recoiled and she looked stunned at the look on his face. 

“I think I need another drink, I’m sorry,” he said. She stepped back and let him. He ordered that specific drink again. She got him back somehow, and he would be embarrassed if he thought about it. 

“I know your poison now,” she said into his ear. “We’ll get your juices flowing, I promise. The creative juices.”

He leaned forward and then paused. She pulled him close and kissed him on the lips. Dan expected more but she stepped back, pulling his blanket up and his shoes off. 

“I want you to be sober,” she said. “It’s more fun when my men don’t drool.” 

Dan would agree to that but he was asleep when his head hit the pillow. 

***

“I don’t know what you think this is but it’s not up to your usual standard. It’s not up to anyone’s usual standard.”

The thing was, being invited to this workshop was supposed to be an honor. He had written off a very quick but serious story about love. His peers were now criticizing him. He was sitting in the middle of the room, taking judgment after judgment, and he was sweating. 

He was trying to imagine what Georgina would do and he knew it’d get him thrown out. He tried to imagine Blair and just couldn’t. 

He guessed he wasn’t positive enough in his presentation of the idea. 

“I think it counts to be realistic,” he said, defending his story with a religious intensity. “I was deconstructing the concept. It's a deconstruction.” 

And on and on he went. 

He almost believed his own argument. 

***

Georgina was fun. 

Sometimes it was frightening. He had suggested they ride on one of the little scooters, in an effort to actually not waste her whole summer. Yes, he did think that was important, to be a good host—even in a revenge scheme. 

Her response was to find the most expensive car she could and the most distant long street to press the pedal down. 

Dan was in the passenger seat and his hair was blowing in his face. It was the only time he would agree that he needed a haircut. She was smiling and he started to smile too. They raced down small streets and then he did tell her to slow down, just in case. 

She did to his surprise and she also had a destination. 

A small lake surrounded by these trees and small villas in the distance. 

She jumped out of the car and took her top off, a tank top still there. Dan looked at her unsure. 

“You can’t say you don’t like my company,” Georgina said. “I know better and you are a terrible liar.”

“I’m just—the lake,” he said. It was true. He did have some issues to work through but he didn’t want flesh-eating bacteria from a random lake in Italy on top of it. He’d pass on that one. 

She half smiled at him. 

“Then you can watch,” she said, and her words took on a double meaning. She ran ahead and he sat in the passenger seat, watching. 

Then he got out of the damn car and ran after her. He was completely sober during the running and he tore off his jacket. 

He followed her into the water, and she knew she had kicked off her nice designer pants so there was that. She looked pleased and swam towards him. 

“You see,” she said. “I knew you had it in you.” 

She pushed her leg against his and then her eyes widened. 

“Hey I took off my shoes,” he argued and she laughed. 

“You are something,” she said. “She was so stupid to give you up.”

“I don’t know about that,” Dan said. “I was stupid not to read in between the lines. I’m supposed to know people. That’s my job. To know them. It’s what I thought I was good at.”

And it turned out, he had read her so wrong it was almost—his fault. Almost. 

She was quiet, frowning. Then she changed again. 

“You can’t know everyone,” she said, and she was trying to console him. “That’s why you have to play life a certain way.”

“That sounds lonely,” he said. 

“Sure,” she said. “But at least you’re not alone.” She paused. “She took my best friend, you know,” Georgina said, looking out across the water. Dan knew best friend was code for only friend. He got that much from all her stories. He also got the fact that she was taking about something before Serena’s crash. Long before. 

“You never told me about that,” Dan said. 

“I’m not going to,” Georgina said. He knew about the drugs and the life and everything but for a moment, he could see that this one thing—despite even being a bid for sympathy—was utterly true. 

She was still hurt by it. That mark would never fade. Dan thought he could understand the concept. 

“I’ll teach you how to play harder. You’ll be fine,” Georgina promised and kissed him as if it was a gift. He imagined in this case it was. 

*** 

Dan thought he was falling into a habit of sleeping in and not waking up. 

He was keeping his distance from Georgina lately because he did not want to put his misplaced feelings on top of her even if she thought that was part of a relationship. If that was what she thought. He wouldn’t know. 

He didn’t want to care if he hurt her: on some level, though, that worry was there. So when she gave him a ticket for an event at the museum—one ticket—he was half relieved. On the other hand, it reminded him of Blair. 

“I don’t know, I’m behind on the book. We want it done by the end of the summer before anyone realizes,” he reminded her. 

“Please, you need a break,” she said. “I know you like all that old stuff. So go stare at some old stuff and come back with some inspiration.” 

At first he was just going to walk around and take in the sights. He wasn’t up for too much culture, ironically. Then he looked at the ticket and decided that he needed to take steps. Going to an exhibit would be one of those steps. One of many. 

He walked in five minutes late, glad to be lost in the crowd. He started to look at the different paintings and tried to get a sense of them again. 

He-

“You’re seeing what you want to see,” a voice said from the background. “Clearly this piece is all about non-reality, about what you can’t hold on to. How you got ‘it looks like a building’ from this, I don’t even know. The time period alone should be a clue.” 

Dan turned around. 

There, just across the room, was Blair. Dan stood there and he had too many thoughts. He was walking towards her when he had specifically told his body to go towards the exit. She wasn’t worth –yes she was. No, his mind told him. 

Well, his mind caved. 

He had to confront her. Tell her everything he had imagined about this moment. And all that--was the sum of zero. 

He froze and then regretted walking towards her at all, not when he was clearly not welcomed in her life, and just as he meant to walk away, she turned around herself. She couldn’t have looked more shocked if a figure had just stepped out of one of the paintings. Probably, she would have looked less shocked. 

His words were gone. He had no words. He just stood there and so did she, as still as any of the statues. He thought he would burst out with something, just to end the anticipation. 

She was the one to say something. She took in his appearance, at first about to say something—else, he was sure. 

Then she wrinkled her nose and said, “You look horrible.”

His mouth dropped open. That was what she had to say? He wanted to say so much but he was looking at her now. 

“You don’t,” and he was being honest. He didn’t mean it to be an insult but he could see her collecting herself, putting up walls. 

“Well looks like some things don’t change,” she said, and he instantly thought she meant that he had wanted her to change. He had said that to Serena. He regretted it. 

“Obviously not,” was his reply. She looked satisfied and about to walk past him. 

“No,” he said. “Wait.”

She stopped, looking over her shoulder. Wary. What had happened? He had been full of rage and insults but now he was obsessed with the question. What had he done so bad to have her run from him? What had he done to make her completely drop their friendship along with their relationship? 

“I don’t see why it had to end like that,” he said. “I can see why it ended. Just not like that.” 

“I sent you emails,” she said. 

“I’m not going to read your email, Blair,” he said. 

“Listen I knew you’d want an answer,” she muttered, shaking her head. “And there isn’t one. It’s about my feelings, there’s no dissertation I could give you. I tried to explain already but you didn’t listen.” 

He couldn’t believe it. 

“But our friendship too? For no reason? I just want to know what happened to cause that part, that’s all.”

She looked down and took her gloves out of her purse. 

“I never wanted to lose our shaky definition of a friendship,” she told him and then whispered under her breath. “That’s why, if you must know.”

He couldn’t believe it. She was pinning it all on a friendship that he—a friendship he did rescind after getting her emails. 

“I understand,” he said, for the first time lying to her on such a large scale. He wouldn’t let her walk away. 

Blair looked at him in poorly disguised shock. “You do?”

“Yes,” he said and for a moment, he did. He remembered his nights with Georgina and how bad she felt. How it made her make decisions. That meant, however, that Dan was the right decision, and currently, in the midst of his anger and plotting, he didn’t feel like the right decision. 

It didn’t matter. He could understand and still not change his mind about his book. Which he hadn’t changed his mind at all. 

“So,” he said. “You decided to come to Rome anyway.”

She flushed a little. “I’m in Paris for the summer, actually. I took the train.”

“You took time out to come here?” he asked, blinking in surprise. 

“I just decided this morning. I’m nearby so why not?”

But the art gallery here? It made his chest twist up and he had to look away for a minute. 

“Do you want me to leave?” he asked. “I’m here all summer so I can come back anytime.”

“You don’t have to leave,” she said dryly. “Do you want to look with me since we are both here? There’s no use in denying that it’s awkward so we might as well have a stimulating conversation while being awkward.” 

He was shocked. No. That was the answer. No. He looked at her hands. No one could really replace her hands, could they? He thought, in light of the situation, that he’d take his time and have this as a final goodbye. A final resting place. 

He shrugged. “All right,” he said. 

“Are you sure?” she asked, almost accusing. More towards the spectrum of anger. 

“It’s not a problem,” he told her and she swallowed hard. He was glad to see it, a sign of discomfort. Like he hadn’t just imagined the whole last few years. 

They began to move around the room, side by side but very far apart at the same time. 

“I like this one,” Dan began, feigning casual interest in a painting.

“You would,” she said, her smile a smirk. 

“The color scheme,” he said, struggling to keep talking, to ignore her. “It’s all a variation of red.”

“No, it’s variations of fuchsia,” Blair said, pointedly. Her stare was a challenge. She was doing this on purpose. She was angry with him! Dan almost lost his composure. 

No. He did lose his composure. 

“All right,” he said, softly. Tired. His confusion deepened. He hated not understanding. He hated not having a clear analysis. He was analyzing zero and she wasn’t giving him a single thing to go on except arguing over a painting that at the moment, he didn’t care about. “All right, it’s fuchsia.” 

She frowned and then nodded, pulling at her gloves some more. They made a circle around the room and he had no energy to fight. No will to do it. 

They walked out together and Dan could see it was getting late. 

He wanted to keep her here and demand an answer. At the same time he realized it wouldn’t work, or there really was no reason to any of it. He wasn’t going to be able to keep her here. 

Blair looked at his neck. “You’re wearing an awful scarf.”

“At least it’s not fuchsia,” Dan said dryly. Blair waved a hand, dismissing his words. 

“You wouldn’t pick that out for yourself. Are you with someone?”

It was a simple question but he was defensive. “There were two tickets. I don’t just throw things away.” 

…Very defensive. He suddenly thought he had just ruined what had already been broken. 

“I know,” Blair said, as casual as could be. “I also know Serena is missing somewhere back home but she didn’t leave the country.” 

“Like you wanted,” Dan jabbed, growing braver. 

“Oh. Did you say goodbye to her?” Blair asked. 

That shut him down. It was likely Blair didn’t even know everything. Still he shut up. 

“So. I assume you are still staying at the hotel you chose before,” she said. “Since you don’t throw things away.”

She’d find out anyway. “I’m with Georgina,” he said, barely saying it. 

Blair didn’t even blink. “You were with her once before,” she said. “You really don’t forget old habits, do you?”

“No,” he said. 

“Well remember this. I’ll be in town a few days. Tell her I’ll stop by and visit. We’ll make some plans,” Blair said. 

“Wait, what?”

“In a city with this much culture, you don’t want to be seen with just a party of two,” Blair said. “How sad would that be? This is Italy, not Brooklyn.” 

He didn’t reply.

She nodded and waved. 

Just like that. 

***

“I don’t appreciate being set-up,” Dan said. 

Georgina looked up from her magazine and didn’t even pretend to be oblivious. He was grateful. His knees hadn’t stopped shaking and he didn’t think he could take a shouting match. 

He realized he had never fought with Georgina. There was something wrong with this picture. 

“I’m sorry,” she said. “But if I had asked you, you could have said no.”

Dan kept his face perfectly dead-pan. “Oh wow. Why doesn’t everyone who isn’t a con-artist think of that one?”

“You brought me along because I’m a con artist,” Georgina said. 

“Maybe I should have just said Upper East Sider, that carries much more weight.”

“And thank you for the sarcasm.”

He rubbed his forehead. “I’m not trying to be. I’m just not going to play along next time.”

“Oh I only needed you to be shocked this one time. Now, for phase two.”

“You have phases?”

“I have sub-phases,” Georgina offered and stood up. She hesitated and then approached him, hugging him. “I am sorry it was so rough for you. What was it like, seeing her?”

“Well, let’s see. Pain. A lot of it,” he said. “And anger.”

“And hate, right?”

He considered. “That’s what I was angry about. All I did was try to find out more. I didn’t have time for hate.”

Georgina pursed her lips. “You are allowed to hate her, Dan. It’s okay.”

“I know, but I’m channeling it into writing,” he said. “Besides you’ll probably do enough for both of us when you find out that she plans on visiting.”

Georgina was not surprised. “Like I said, phase two.”

“Give me an example of the sub-phases.” 

“There can’t be any real tension between you two if you want this to work,” Georgina said, her hands on his chest. 

“No tension of any kind?” Dan asked. He wasn’t saying that—exactly but her eyes flickered downwards. He was obviously getting used to her because he didn’t really even blink. He was half glad. “Yeah, that’s kind of impossible.” 

“Is it?” Georgina asked and Dan was momentarily worried that she’d show some jealous or a trace of hurt. There was nothing except a playful knowing. 

“I don’t know if I can be around her,” he said. Saying it out-loud made it real. It made his heart hurt. 

“Dan,” Georgina said. “Think. If you can be around her, play her games with her, you could write a book about her.”

This was a new day. Normally he’d respond that he didn’t have to play games. They did, he didn’t. Never would. But he didn’t say it. He thought about it, thought about her lack of reaction. 

“Do you want this to work, Dan?” Georgina asked. “It’ll just be us bothering her and making her miserable. The real fun is for later but why not pass the time?” 

Her complete lack of regard. He phased her a little but not enough. 

“I don’t play games,” he said to himself rather than her. 

“You didn’t play games. That’s why you’re here and that’s why you were hurt. Dan, no one is privileged enough to avoid playing a game in life,” Georgina said, and it wasn’t without sympathy. “So what about now?”

Her total lack of…caring. 

“Why not?” he said. “But it’s not like she’ll be upset.”

“I’ll worry about that part,” she said. “I just…” she sighed and then pressed her lips hard against his. Then, “Get in the game, Humphrey.”

That got him angry and he got lost in the feeling. He realized he could be angry here and he kissed her hard. 

That night, they got closer to having sex, entangled in the blanket, but he was cautious and too raw from his experience and Georgina pushed him away at the end. It was like she was waiting until it’d be ideal. 

Dan would wonder when he became a pawn in his own revenge but he was too busy catching up on the pages. 

Consider him inspired. 

***

Blair kept her promise/threat. 

The second day since he had seen her, they had champagne delivered to their room as a courtesy. Dan had started to send it back but Georgina had grabbed it instead with a ‘speak for yourself’. The third day, an invitation to a fashion show in the city. 

“Did you mean for this to happen?”

All he had wanted was to write the book. 

“I think we lucked out on the fashion show. I actually think this could be a good time,” Georgina said. 

“What is the plan? What’s this all about? She won’t be jealous.”

Georgina gave him a look. “Don’t be so uncreative. Of course not.” 

“I’m completely lost,” he had to confide. If it wasn’t a bid to make Blair jealous, then what was it?

“You’ll see. Remember, show, don’t tell.” 

“I don’t want a big public shaming,” he said. “Or anything like that.”

Georgina stared at him for a minute, her expression unreadable. 

“Uncreative for a writer,” was her only reply. “Shave and look human, okay.” 

Dan shaved and thought he managed humanity. He spent the last few hours wondering if he could actually willingly face Blair. 

He didn’t know if he could do any of it. He thought about excuses and pretending to be sick. 

Georgina looked great, in her richly decorated outfit and her smoky eyes bright. She looked on top of the world. 

“I know you’re not sick,” she said before he could say anything.

So there goes that brilliant plan. 

***

They rode up in a limo, Dan swearing there was a rock in his stomach the entire time. 

They pulled up to this packed building. It was extremely high end, he’d say, and completely crowded. 

“So, should I know the uh, charity all this is for?” he asked dryly. 

“It’s all for Blair. She’s searching for designers due to obvious nepotism,” Georgina said. 

“Wow,” Dan said in shock. It seriously was packed. Georgina gave him a look. 

“Do you have Stockholm Syndrome?” she asked. “Now would be the time to confess.”

“Believe it or not, I’m actually sane. So I have no idea why I’m going along with this plan.”  
“Because you’re pissed off,” Georgina said. She looked concerned. “Stand up for yourself.”

“I am,” Dan promised. “Don’t worry, I’ll follow your lead.”

This was a famously bad idea but he walked besides Georgina, squinting through all the lights. He didn’t have to look too long to see her, looking beautiful up there on the stage, waiting to speak. 

Maybe he had been stupid about one thing: after how far they had gone, could they really have remained friends? Maybe he had been dumb about that assumption. He might not even believe it in a novel or any other fictional setting. 

It was impossible. 

She made an announcement that she’d declare a winner near the end and mentioned some generous donations. Then somehow she spotted them and made her way over. 

“I’m so glad you could make it.”

She seemed it. She looked at Dan quickly, a once over that struck him as really strange because it looked as if she was checking him for hidden battle wounds.

Georgina did not blink. 

“Me too. It’s been a while since we mingled in our social circle.”

“This would actually be the first time, Georgina,” Blair said, taking no prisoners. Dan was torn on how to reply and who to support—which was a source of shame. But suddenly it was if he wasn’t in the room. They were staring sparks at each other. 

“So you’re keeping track of me.” 

“I keep track of certain people,” Blair said. 

“I see you keeping forgetting that we were roommates,” Georgina said, pulling Dan closer. 

“No,” was Blair’s solitary answer. 

Dan decided to step in. “This must be a big night for you,” he said. 

Blair seemed torn momentarily on how to answer. “It’s one of many, I hope.”

“We did just want to support you,” Georgina jumped in. “I’m glad you’re back to old yourself,” she said. She reached out and touched Blair’s arm. “I mean that.” 

Dan swallowed hard and looked at his feet. 

“Then you can sit by me and give me your opinion.”

“You want my opinion?” Georgina asked, pausing. 

“I definitely need to hear what you think to make my decision.”

Dan heard a double-edged sword in that one. So did Georgina obviously. 

“Trust me, I’ll give my most sincere answers.”

They glowered at each other and Dan walked the gallows walk to the seats up front, dead center. What was his life? This wasn’t his kind of game. Okay, so he was pretty upset. 

“You look better tonight.”

And yes he was sitting right by Blair, Georgina on the other side. 

“Thank you, I shaved so I was told I look human.”

“I wouldn’t push it,” she said, “but the humanoid look works for you. Imagine that.”

He shrugged, unwilling to go there with her. Her face fell just slightly but he could have sworn he’d be the only one to notice. But there was another look there, buried just underneath the disappointment. 

Dan knew that look. It was her concerned looked. Was it a bad sign that the person you were trying to make jealous looked worried for you instead? 

That’d be a yes. What was Georgina’s angle? 

His plan was to be quiet, wait and see what would happen. It was approximately five minutes when it happened. 

“What would you choose?” Georgina asked. “I know it’s a hard question, Blair, since you don’t like to commit but I thought I’d ask.”

Blair smiled at her. Actually smiled. Dan was even a bit burnt from that comment and he was furious with Blair. He had no idea how she managed to do it and was a little awed despite himself. 

“I have an idea but I don’t think it would matter. I know how you are once you have something in your sights. You can’t ever get out of the rut, no matter how you begin to feel about the object of your attention.” Georgina’s smile turned rictus, shifting downwards at the edge of her lips. “I hate to comment about your fashion rut but what else are friends for?” 

Dan sat under the lights and the loud music and felt the tension near him and he thought—if everyone here was going to voice shitty opinions about their feelings, he would announce his. 

“Maybe you two should be friends, maybe you’d actually balance each other out. That’s the only way it would ever happen for either of you.” 

They stared at him, their mouths hanging open. Not just slightly ajar. Hanging open.

Okay. 

What was wrong with his comment that was different from theirs? He stared straight ahead and they eventually did, now quiet. 

Not his kind of game at all.

***

Dan retreated to the serving table. 

“It’s driving you crazy, isn’t it?” 

Dan turned and realized he couldn’t escape. 

“You’ll have to be more specific,” he said. 

“How your comment was wrong,” she said slyly.

“That’s your opinion,” he said. “…And how was it wrong?” 

“Let’s not even examine it,” Blair said. “Once was enough. I know, let’s talk about your poor life choices instead.”

He furrowed his brow. “Excuse me?”

“I could say many things but I’d rather just push them under one category. Georgina.”

"I don’t think you really have a say in me being here with her. To be honest, she’s the one who wanted to be here. I didn’t really think it was appropriate.”

“So she forced you,” Blair said. 

“Not exactly,” he said, stumbling a little. “She’s not bad company ergo I go places with her. This happens to be one of those places.” 

“Will the next place be a jail in Rome?”

“That’s a little dramatic even for an Upper East Sider,” he said. 

“No, Georgina hurts those she cares about and I can tell she does care about you. The big tipoff is she’s using you.”

“There’s something ironic about this exchange.” He couldn’t help it. 

“Yes, there is,” Blair said, her eyes hardening. “You aren’t this person who puts themselves in physical danger for acceptance or commensuration. You weren’t this person until after I dated you.” 

Dan’s chest seized up. He knew this vulnerability, he knew, and he was torn in two. 

“I’m not in any physical danger,” was all he could half whisper. 

“Everyone who hangs out with Georgina ends up injured, with a criminal record, or both .That’s how she makes friends. She makes it where you are a pariah, Dan, and you only have her. I don’t want to see you in trouble.” 

He didn’t know what to say. 

He ducked his head. “I’m not going to get hurt. I know Georgina.” 

“That’s the problem. You know, when I was with you, I knew it was all or nothing. Even when you said it wasn’t, I knew otherwise. This just proves it.”

Dan didn’t know what to say. This was closest to the issue that she had come to admitting. And at the moment of truth, he remembered what he had done. He remembered that he didn’t truly know how to care for her in a way that seemed to matter. 

She was also right. He could not have remained her true friend. He choked back his angry words and remembered Georgina’s strategy. 

“Don’t worry about it. Just enjoy your night.” 

He stepped around her and went to find Georgina. His plan: leave. He found her but just as he opened his mouth to plead his case, she shoved her purse into his hands as she disappeared into the restroom. 

This was not turning out to be one of his better nights. 

This was Blair’s night and people were heaping love and praises and over-the-top flattery: famous designers, none of which he’d know but famous, would essentially kneeling in front of her. 

And she had come to see him. 

Dan felt ugly about how it made him feel. He half smiled and held Georgina’s purse. Georgina stepped out and Dan felt some gratitude already to her when she reached out and put her arm around his back. He returned the gesture. 

Then Georgina tapped his nose. 

He felt something on his nose, a powder, and he went to wipe it away reflexively. She grabbed his hand. 

“Trust me.” 

He did trust her. He felt the eyes on him as he walked through the crowd, and a few people flat out stared. 

One young guy, looking like the typical Casanova that you hear about around here, pointed to his nose. “You have a little something,” he said in a heavy accent and began to laugh.   
Dan looked around and saw Blair through the crowd. She was speaking with a bright smile on her face, the one that made him ache, and then when she met his eyes, her own widened in horror. 

Only when he was sure she saw him, only then did he brush off the powder. 

***

“I don’t want to jump to conclusions,” Dan said. “But was that--.”

“Coke. Yes,” Georgina said. 

“Were you doing coke in the restroom?” he asked, full of dread and a weird mix of concern. 

“Two girls were. I just know how to talk to people and make them share,” Georgina said. “I wanted to be sharp anyway to see the look on her face.”

He thought about Blair’s expression. 

“She was more worried than jealous,” he reiterated. 

“You finally got it,” Georgina said, loudly, and slid across the limo into his lap. “Took a while but you got it, Lonelyboy!”

“Wait, that's the plan?”

“She wants to save you from me,” Georgina said. “Imagine her on a white horse charging to the rescue and looking just everywhere for track marks. She thinks I’m going to destroy you and it makes her so sad and sick.” 

She laughed in delight. Dan wiped his nose again, even if there was nothing there. His first old instinct was that it was wrong. 

Yet she had looked at him. She had looked at him like she used to. 

He ended up saying nothing. He looked in the rearview mirror and saw the light up palace-like façade fade in the distance. 

“You’re going to have to keep up the all-nighters,” Georgina said. “To keep up the worn-down walking dead look.”

Dan put his heart into it. Georgina was kinder than she had ever been, watching him closely. He didn’t think he could emote or anything like that but it was comforting. 

It was what he needed. 

***

Blair invited them to an expensive breakfast the next day and she was sitting in the middle of a plaza with her hair tied up in a white scarf, the rest of her outfit red and bold. 

Dan followed along with Georgina who waved in excitement. Then detoured to another table.  
“We already have a table here and we paid a lot more than what it costs for that table. You know, since we spent so much time here,” she said. “So you can just move to ours.”  
Blair contained herself and moved, her head held high. 

He was not excited. He actually found his first feeling was resentment. He thought about it all and there was some irony: he had always thought Chuck was the worst human being in the world and one of those things was how he resented the idea of being saved. 

Dan was right there now because Blair was trying to save him from Georgina after she had destroyed him. Dan wouldn’t say much but it wasn’t his idea of a good time. He could barely eat. Georgina absolutely could and chatted with Blair about everything under the sun. 

“You still look horrible, Humphrey,” Blair told him, directing her attention to him with dismissing Georgina. Dan saw a flash of something that looked like hurt on Georgina’s face. This was becoming convoluted. 

“There’s honestly nothing wrong with me,” Dan said. He had meant to say something else, what Georgina had coached him to say. Late nights, discovering the underground of Italy for his book. 

“You haven’t completely given up on looking in a mirror, have you?”

“Well, he is an artist,” Georgina said. “They have to write whenever, you know, stay sharp.” 

Just as sharp as the tip of the pen she had used to draw an incriminating mark on Dan’s arm. Dan had just rolled up his sleeves as they walked, choosing the moment where Georgina could not stop him. 

Blair did something off the script. 

She reached over and tugged up his sleeve. 

“What are you doing?” Dan demanded. Georgina just stirred her drink. Blair saw the pinpoint. Dan didn’t know whether to clear up the misconception because her grip tightened on his arm. He was beginning to think she really did care on some level about him still. He-

She dipped her finger in her glass and wiped at the mark. Georgina’s mouth fell open.   
After the initial feeling of complete stupidity, he did think that Blair would wipe her smudged finger on Georgina’s face. 

Her hand definitely went in that direction but detoured to a napkin. 

“You should buy me a new drink,” Blair said. "Just in case you have no clue."

“No problem, B,” Georgina quipped. 

“Your bedroom activities are still on the level of kindergarten, I see,” Blair said. She didn’t act effected. 

“It’s not what it looks like. Actually it’s for research.”

They both looked at him. Dan was a writer you know. 

“I’m researching the different type of scenes in Europe.”

“The scenes?” Blair said dryly. 

“I’ll find a better word later. But that mark is just to fit in.”

For a moment, Blair returned to be, unsure. 

“How is your writing going?” she asked. 

“It’s going.”

“So far as to accept Georgina’s lifestyle.”

“I don’t think that’s-.”

“I don’t mean coke on the nose, Dan,” she said. “I think it’s wonderful you accept her hotels and her extravagant parties, to the extent of making a public spectacle of yourself. I truly do.” 

“Oh don’t be like that,” Georgina said when Dan was speechless (because he had not thought about his European scandal with Georgina in those terms). “You know how it is to keep an appearance up long enough to get what you need.” 

“I remember that wasn’t your strong suit,” Blair said. 

“I know. I’m just not as good as you are, it must be a gift.”

Blair faltered and while he should look and enjoy it, he focused on rolling up his sleeve, the smudged disappearing. 

“I’ll buy you a drink,” Georgina said. “This will be the last time we see you after all. We’re off to Sicily.”

“Really,” Blair said. “How splendid. I’m going to look at designers there.”

They both smiled at each other and he imagined that neither one had the immense desire to bolt from the table. 

Dan hardened his own smile, “That is lucky,” and kept on playing. 

“Do you want to see pictures of the nude beach we visited?” Georgina offered and picked up her phone. 

…

It was difficult to keep playing. 

*** 

It was in Sicily that Georgina showed them both the worst club in the world. 

Dan was fairly sure. Blair stood beside him in the dark alley and they waited as Georgina whispered through a door. It was always the best sign. Blair shouldn’t probably be seen here. 

Dan didn’t say a word, keeping the phone in his pocket. Georgina said pictures. He had volunteered to hold the phone. 

Blair kept her glasses on even in the dark, her jacket pulled up to her chin. Dan heard a barrage of voices seeping out into the air when the door was opened. Blair tensed.   
Regardless of everything:

“I’m sure it will be all right,” he said, hating himself for it. 

“For me, yes,” she said and then walked ahead of him, going into the door after Georgina. He felt as if he didn’t get this game and an anger flared up inside of him. Dan followed both of them. 

The first half was disguised as some sort of drug nest. Dan honestly didn’t care because once you got through that part, it was a huge room with separate booths designed with red curtains. 

It was aesthetically interesting. 

Dan hurried along and found their small room. They were sitting together and ordering drinks. Dan was completely an outsider here. 

So he ordered a drink too. Blair looked over at him and then he said, “Hey, did I say medium size? I meant the largest drink you have. Give me the most alcholic beverage." 

He had plans not to drink it all. 

“Dan still has a lot of work with the inevitable movie offer that will come his way, and if I’m not wrong…”

Georgina looked over. 

“You’ll get a role,” he said and took a sip. 

“I might get famous! Isn’t that great? Wouldn’t you be happy for me?” 

“But G, you’re already famous. Everyone who matters knows about you,” Blair said, toasting her. Georgina nodded, a flair in her eyes, and she drug Blair over to Dan.   
“I’m going to take a picture of all of us together.”

“All of us?” Blair asked, frowning. Suspicious. Dan was a little suspicious himself. 

“I just want one,” Georgina said, and through his building haze, due to wanting to escape Blair’s presence, he still saw that it was true. 

Blair could see that too. 

It was a weird moment when they all leaned in and Georgina took a picture with her phone. Once that was done, there was just drinking. Shot after shot. 

Dan was going for it because every minute he did, Blair looked more and more horrified. She was taking a drink too, more than he had ever seen her, but she seemed not to be as hazy as he was. 

“I’ll take a picture of the happy couple,” Blair said, out of the blue. 

Georgina leaned in and kissed him. He heard a camera phone go off and he thought he could be sick. And it would not be good timing but Georgina had leaned away by then, thankfully. 

“Dance with me,” Georgina said, and Dan was about to stand up and dance badly. Instead she grabbed Blair and pulled her to her feet. 

They actually did start to dance together and it was half mean, half full of nostalgia, and while this was perhaps for his –not it wasn’t for his benefit. They were looking into each other’s eyes, trying to get the upper hand through a way he didn’t understand. 

It was making him uncomfortable and he knocked back a few more. The music was blaring into his ears. 

“I always wanted to do this with you,” Georgina said. “But you were always so high and mighty."

“And that changed how?” Blair asked, laughing. 

“Nothing changes, B. Didn’t you tell me that yourself when I was trying to?”

Blair hesitated and then Georgina lunged and captured her in a kiss. 

Okay. Clearly this was the moment he was supposed to—

He kept his hand on his drink, and at the moment, he turned away. 

Blair recognized the moment had passed and then continued the kiss, dragging Georgina closer. She then grabbed the back of her head and looked into her eyes, and Dan had turned back, shocked. 

Georgina’s face was pale, her eyes wider than he had ever seen them. He wanted to laugh because Blair had made a power play. Using his past with her against him. 

His hands shook.

“You are never going to win,” Blair said slowly, firmly. “You are never going to win even if you have to hurt Dan to figure that out. So let’s just skip a step. Leave him alone.”

“Aw,” Georgina began. 

“I’ll take you both down if you want to hurt me,” Blair said, and that got to him. “But just be brave for once and let him go. You’re going to be the one to hurt him the most.”

“No,” Dan said. Blair didn’t look at him, her eyes were focused on Georgina. Georgina was beginning t o smile again and that was it. 

“Don’t bother, I’m done with this,” he said. “I have more than enough to go on.” 

“Neither of you can walk away now!” Georgina said harshly. Desperately, he’d say.   
But Dan did just that, exiting through the curtain. There was a sickness rising in him and he hoped he wasn’t actually running. 

“Dan!” 

Georgina’s voice was behind him and he hurried out onto the street and headed towards the stairs. 

“Stop,” Blair said and there was another argument behind him. He looked over his shoulder, almost laughing in his head thanks for the alcohol. They were an inch away from each other, yelling, all social niceties abandoned. 

“I can walk away too,” was his brilliant lines and then he reached the stairs. He didn’t stop looking over his shoulder or laughing in his head. And suddenly the step wasn’t there. 

His world turned upside down, and there was almost a flash of not-pain as his world kept turning again and again. He heard a scream, and it wasn’t his. It should be because he should be screaming at this point. 

There was a flash of real pain. 

He blacked out. 

***

Dan woke up in a hospital bed, his leg up in a cast. 

Someone was holding his hand. He looked over slowly, groggily, and said:

“Blair.”

She didn’t take her hand away. She wanted to but he was dearly glad she did not. 

“I feel really disconnected,” he said. “Um. But no pain in the leg.”

Blair looked pale, all her make-up faded and her eyes dark, and he wondered if he had been out for a long time. 

“You broke your leg so badly that…it took them a while to fix it.”

He had to look away, and close his eyes. 

“I’m more than a little embarrassed right now.”

“I’m glad I was there,” she said. “I have this all taken care of, I promise.”

He paused. 

“Where’s Georgina?” he asked. 

She let go of his hand. “I’m not sure,” she said cautiously. “She was scared. She runs when she’s scared," and she paused there and took a deep breath, "but she’ll be around.” 

Blair seemed like she knew. Dan however knew better; he went in with his eyes wide open this time. It shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. 

He lowered his head on the pillow with the pain killer taking effect. Oddly enough, his thoughts were clearer than they had been in a while. It had taken almost breaking his head open in one of the most romantic spots on earth but his thoughts were clear. 

“What are you supposed to be doing right now, Blair?” he asked. 

She looked confused, as if she should be doing something more. For him. He felt sick. 

“For your company,” he clarified. “For the past few weeks.”

She was about to deny it but then she sighed, shook her head. “I can always catch up.”  
How wrong all this had been hit him in the face. 

“I’m so sorry,” he said. 

His words seemed to erupt something inside of her because she turned sharply in her chair. “I’ve been worried this whole month, Humphrey.”

“I wasn’t ever in real trouble,” he told her. 

“I can tell,” she said dryly. He couldn’t help it. He laughed and it hurt. Dan supposed that meant he was alive. 

“Dan,” Blair said, looking down at her phone. “Did I do this?” 

He thought about it. 

“No,” he said. “Neither did Georgina. I started it so I think we can safely eliminate you as the cause.”

Blair looked up again, curious. 

“You went to Georgina? She didn’t approach you?” 

He paused. “I was angry,” he said. “But that’s on me. I could have handled it better.” 

“Depends,” Blair said shrewdly. “I think she would have been my choice too.”

He wanted to say something. To lie, even. But he couldn’t. He was drugged on a bed in Italy and he couldn’t really lie to her anymore. 

“Don’t worry,” she said, after a while, touching his hand briefly. “Actually the whole scheme is oddly human of you.” 

“Flawed, you mean.”

“Tragically,” she said and smiled at him. She then looked straight ahead. "I could have handled it better too," she said in a quiet voice. 

He couldn’t because he knew something that Gossip Girl didn’t ever tell. “Before you say anything else,” he said, “and before you sit here and waste your—actually very valuable time, I have to tell you what happened the night you went to see Chuck.”

Blair waited, seemingly prepared. How could he say it. Besides just saying it. 

“I slept with Serena,” he said. “I got this text message with him holding a ring and I got really drunk.”

Blair’s eyes were bearing into his, her face stone. 

“That’s no excuse, is it?” he said. It wasn’t really a question. There was no question here. “I wasn’t that drunk.” 

She sat there. Continued to. “Well, it isn’t like I didn’t deserve it,” she said. 

“No,” he said, his brow furrowing. “You didn’t deserve that. I was wrong, regardless. I was wrong with her too, she didn’t deserve it either. I was just…wrong,” he trailed off. He was almost in shock by it: stepping back and looking at it all. 

“People tend to make bad decisions when they are hurt,” Blair said, as if it was nothing.

His actions were something. They had to be. 

“I was but I had always said and acted like I was better than that,” he admitted. “And look what happened. Look what happened now, for the last month.” 

Blair looked at him then and smiled quietly, but her eyes still held hurt. She had that right, and now he could tell she was taking it. 

“I’ll be back in a few hours,” she promised. He watched her walk out, her arms crossed in front of her. Holding herself in a way. 

He stared at her back and then closed his eyes, dealing with it. She did come back in a few hours and Dan had thought it through. 

“Do you need to go get back on track?” he asked. “Please answer me honestly.”

“I am behind schedule, I still have to find a real designer,” was her reserved answer, her hair falling out of her elegant bun. 

“Then go on. I’m fine and I’m seriously not going anywhere.” 

She had an expression of guilt but she fought through it and nodded, already calling for her ticket. 

As much as it hurt—and as certain as he was that he was never going to see her again—he was glad. 

***

Dan woke up one day and saw a man dressed in black outside his room.

He was more than a little disturbed by the sight. He knew public intoxication was probably universally frowned upon; this was overkill right? Right? 

He finally asked. 

“Are you here to make sure I don’t escape into the night?” 

“Ms. Waldorf sent me,” was the blunt reply. That was all he said. 

Dan didn’t ask any more questions. 

*** 

Blair came back within the last week and Dan had done a lot of thinking. He had too much time to think. 

“There’s something else you should know,” he said. “Before you pay my hospital bill. I came here, with Georgina, to actually to-.”

“Write a book,” Blair said, and sat down primly by his side. “I know.”

Dan squinted at her. She was always one step ahead. 

“I wrote it differently than the last one. It was going to be bad. Let’s just coin that term. Bad for all of you.”

Blair looked at him calmly. “Was going to be? As in past tense?”

“I don’t want to write it now,” he said. “It sounded like something,” Chuck would write if he could write, "something I don’t want to be. I really cared…I really care about you, Blair. And I always thought I could love differently but I wanted to keep you close. I wanted certain things. I should never have written anything down. It won’t be published. I was wrong and it was stupid.”

“You do know that while you promise that, Georgina ran. Her room was all cleared out.”

“She stole my computer?” he asked. 

“But left you a note,” Blair said and handed it to him. “I didn’t read it.” 

He handled the note carefully in his hands. “Why aren’t you more upset? I mean, she just ran with a lot of words of condemnation. And factual evidence. She got her hands on scans of all these documents and it was going to be in the book too.”

“Pictures always help sell a book to the masses,” Blair said dryly. 

“Blair.”

“Dan,” she said. “You know me. Now what was going on while I was with you two lovebirds?”

He stopped. 

“You had someone replace my computer. You stole my computer, and she stole the wrong one.”

“Pretty much,” Blair said. “Well you have it all right.” 

“So all that about worrying," he said, trying to find his words.   
“I was still worried about you,” she said. 

“You were right,” he said. 

 

“I didn’t want to be,” she said. 

“Just because I got hurt, doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty. I should learn how to walk. Or how to hold my liquor.”

“I was worried about you long before you even left New York.” 

They sat in silence and he eventually fell asleep. 

He wasn’t uncomfortable with her. They had exhausted all the pitfalls in a few days so at least there was that comfort. 

*** 

He woke up again and decided to throw it out there. 

“Blair?” he asked. “Can we talk now? I think—and correct me if I’m wrong—but I don’t think we have to worry about anything right now. Well, I can promise you don’t have anything to worry about telling me.”

“I couldn’t tell you, Dan. Not to your face.”

“Why? Because I would be cruel?” he asked. “Now I can’t really say with confidence…I would like to think I wouldn’t have been.”

“It’s not really you, it was me. I didn’t want to think I could hurt you.”

“Then-.”

“I’m not that brave,” she said. “I try to be. I try so hard to be. I can be brave about business and schemes, I know exactly what to do. But I can’t be brave about feelings.”

"But I wasn’t brave about losing you," he had to admit. "Was there something else though?”

Because he had to ask. 

Blair bit her lip and then straightened up. “You assumed the worst of me.”

Um. He could tell, though, that she felt as perfectly terrible as he did. His decisions, though they had been his responsibility, did not feel like they were in his control, in his hand. 

“Clarify. Uh, give examples.”

Blair raised an eyebrow. “You were scared to leave me in the city alone. I hadn’t done anything yet,” she said. “But you were already acting like I had.”

Dan was still. He tried to process that and…

“Okay,” he said. “I can actually see that. I think that—I could have been that way."

She looked at him firmly.

“I was that way,” he said. “I did demand a certain reaction from you. I was thinking about what I needed rather than what you needed. But I don’t think I did all the damage myself.” 

“I’m not saying you did!” Blair said firmly. “You didn’t push me anywhere but you pulled me. You just assumed things that weren’t even there. I’m not the girl in your book and that started to scare you, didn’t it?”

“No you are not,” he said but now—he wasn’t being unkind. “I didn’t fall in love with the girl in the book, a fictional character. I never meant for you to feel that way.” 

“You didn’t mean to but no one ever does,” Blair said, and this was honest and though it should be making him want to run or yell or blame, he had a sense of calm. “That’s kind of the point, Dan.” 

She looked down at her hands. 

“If I’m going to pick a part to play, I want the one that makes the most sense to who I am.”

“And that’s with Chuck?”

“That vulnerability is what I understand,” she said. “It’s not better or worse than what I felt with you. It’s just what I understand and you have to understand that. You were always an outsider because you also chose to be. You never would step out of that place even when you could have any apartment now, any place in the world. You like being an outsider because it frees you from having to be someone…someone like me.” 

He was quiet. He was blown away. He—this could—this was true, wasn’t it? It was like having to drink poison but her points, her words, made sense. 

“I know you don’t think he loves me,” she began.

Dan shook his head.

“I’m not going to say that. I don’t know him. I wrote a character based on him but I’m realizing that it’s not fair. In fact, I may have found some common…ground in my reaction to you.”

Blair tilted her head. 

“With what I did,” Dan clarified. “How I treated Serena at that moment based on you. When it actually came to proving it, I did not. I fell down hard. And I am so sorry for it.”

“…I am too,” she said. “I should have told you. But I did—do have feelings for you. I just don’t understand them.” 

“That’s understandable,” because it ultimately was. He understood nothing himself. He wasn’t much of a writer of the human condition but maybe that was the point, to find out he had assumed too much. “If it isn’t too late, we could…” 

He trailed off. He couldn’t ask that. 

“You’re still a friend of mine,” she said. 

He felt so much and underneath it all, there was one strong feeling. 

Relief. 

***

He read Georgina’s note. 

It was brief, a lot more showing than telling. 

‘I’ll get them back for you’ was her promise. It was a sign of caring. He had been more wrong than he had thought. 

*** 

It had taken some time to get back on his feet. 

Literally. When he went back home, he was in crutches; he was told his leg would heal perfectly and that was enough for him. It would have been a great conversation piece and he could have embellished his war wounds and played on people’s unconscious xenophobia.

Could have. Didn’t have the stomach for it. 

Dan spent his time in the park, random cafes where no one would know him, and late nights in his apartment. He had to think about how close he came to destroying his integrity and how close he came to truly hurting Blair and the others. 

He would say he was glad that he hadn’t been able to except having your book stolen twice isn’t a very compelling argument for change. Nor was falling down the stairs. 

To be honest, Dan didn’t know for certain how it would have played out. And that was disturbing on more than one level. 

During this time, he hadn’t been avoiding anyone per se. He hadn’t been going out of his way to contact anyone. After Italy, Blair hadn’t written him even one of those emails and he hadn’t written her. 

Dan tried to make his peace with it. 

Someday he’d get to watch certain movies without a pang in his gut, and he could fall asleep without someone to talk to. It was all that had been lost in one night that was always going to haunt him. 

Weeks went by and he found he felt better waking up, and felt better with knowing himself. 

Then, mid-morning and two deleted Word Documents later, there was a knock on his door.   
It was Blair, clutching her bag in front of her as if it was a shield. Dan softened and opened the door wider. Her eyes met his, and she stepped in. It was as if Italy had never happened. There was this tension in the air, and she took a deep breath, as if steadying herself. 

“Is this our official break-up?” he asked gently. 

Blair threw her bag aside and he was shocked that she did, considering that bag’s potential net worth. 

Her eyes were damp, bright with tears. She walked towards him and embraced him, and he could tell from the stiffness in her arms that she expected even now to be pushed away. She wouldn’t fight him if he did. 

It was Blair, and he remembered and thought all those moments would only mean nothing if he let them. Her laughter and bright sharp look in her eyes, in those shadows of their room, how sharp she was, her hands on his arm. How big her heart truly was. Those moments were precious no matter what happened after. 

So he embraced her back, her soft hair against his face. He closed his eyes. 

“I didn’t want to lose everything,” she said, her voice harsh with tears. “All of us. Because I do love you, Dan.”

“…You don’t have to lose me. You won’t ever worry about losing me again,” he said. She moved back, her eyes reflecting a shadow of disbelief mingled with a faint hope. She started to smile, hesitating, and he returned his own, his own disbelief that maybe it wasn’t all gone. There was something still here. 

She leaned forward and kissed his cheek…then his lips, gently. He returned her kiss, and she pressed forward, pulling him towards her. He kissed for all their kisses and all the kisses that might not be. All those moments together that weren’t. 

She was the one who dipped her hands first and they went towards the couch. She managed to take off her jacket and he had a limp. It was challenging but he wanted to let her knoww, one more last time, how he felt. He kissed her and she moved his hand to touch her under her nice shirt. He was trembling and slipped his hand under. He touched her just over her bra and he might never again, like this. She moved his hand for him and now his hand was just above her pants under near skirt. Just against her. 

The sounds she was making were difficult to process. Very fragile sounds. Then he did fell a tear fall on his arm. They froze there, torn between their past and their future, and what they were...

and he pulled her on top of him and held her, taking her in. 

And they were stopped there, breathing heavy, eyes closed, reigning themselves in. It took him a moment to reign himself in. To take in how good she made him feel. It was a mourning. 

Eventually they pulled away, and he tried to calm his racing heart. Her eyes still looked at him, a ghost of her want for him there too, and he wanted to respond more. He wanted her never to step away. But he held off. 

Because he loved her too. 

“So,” she said, her eyes flickering down and then back up, as she wiped them dry. And they were suddenly reset. “While we are on the couch..."

He raised an eyebrow. 

"I read a new review of a movie recently and I wanted to compare notes.”

He laughed. He really wouldn't get moving too much for a while now. 

“Did you bring it?”

She shook her head. Hadn’t thought it’d be necessary.

“Netflix?” 

“We can try.” 

They would try.


End file.
